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Some days I hate myself

Rave Wytchwood Posted by in Personal - March 27, 2018, 9:37 pm

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This post deals with depression. It contains certain thoughts and ideas that may alert you, or trigger your own if you empathize with what I'm putting down. As I write this I am battling certain thoughts and ideas. Please rest assured I am not in a critical state of thinking, nor am I in any danger to myself. I began writing blog before I wrote this little intro paragraph. As you read THIS RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW, I am fine. The rest came out when I was not. Thank you.

I can talk to you if you like, and please PLEASE if you feel the same ways, and think you might need help, do not hesitate to reach out to professionals.

 

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK [8255])

 

"What does that even mean," you might be asking, "that doesn't make any sense.

 

I suffer from depression. It's not an easy thing to put out there so openly. Every single day of my life I am haunted by dark thoughts, dangerous ideas, and various stupid ways I can make my life much harder to survive through.

 

My depression is known as Bi-polar disorder. It's also known as “Manic depressive”. What I deal with from day to day is very short periods where I feel amazing, where I am flooded with ideas about stories, things to build, ways to make my life better, and stories I can write. When I feel great I feel like nothing can stop me. I forget everything and everyone outside of myself, and I focus on whatever it is my mind brings up.

 

Then there is the rest of the time.

 

Sometimes it begins with fear, or maybe a better word for it is terror. I don't want to face the reality I'm stuck in. I don't want to do anything constructive, helpful or beneficial in any way. Part of me knows I can only fail at anything I try, and no amount of focus, no amount of will power, nothing I can do will make me realize that it's not as hard as I am imagining it.

Sometimes it begins with memories. Every bad thing that has ever happened to me in my life comes back to me, rushing hard and fast through my mind, relentlessly taking over every thought, every action, ever bit of other emotion I might have inside me is replaced by sadness, sorrow, regret, and the idea that all I have accomplished and will ever accomplish is being a failure at whatever I try doing.

Sometimes it begins when just one thing goes wrong. It could be the best day of my life up to a point. I could be smiling and laughing and having a great time with my friends. I could win all the money I could dream of while gambling (which isn't a big number... gambling sucks and I know it.) and in the end one little thing can go wrong and the entire day is lost to the down and horrible feelings that come flooding in with it. That one little thing doesn't even need to be related to anything either... it just happens when it happens.

 

Right now I am fighting my demons as best I can. A close friend of mine who is atheist got legitimately upset at my religious beliefs and attacked me for them today. I dare not go in to detail here, as so many buttons were pressed I doubt anyone will come away from this with a sound mind.

 

I walked away from him in cold silence after our heated discussion. He had insulted me and my mind, my intelligence and my schooling. He emotionally attacked me with personal insults and degradation, and I walked away. To my right was a walk way flooded with water, melted snow and ice making it uncross-able, and to my left was a busy highway with speeding cars, trucks, and what have you.

 

He drove away, and I walked along the side of the street. Every car that passed me by made my mind explode with the dangerous thoughts. How easy would it be to just step out there? How much of the pain I feel could just stop if only I could make it stop? My friend thinks I'm worthless, so what's it going to hurt to just... be worthless?

 

I've battled these thoughts, and worse ones every single day of my life. Instead of stepping out, I decided that if I'm going to end, why not pay my rent first, so my landlord isn't left in need of so much help? So I walked past my home and to my bank.

The thoughts followed me there. Ideas of what drugs I could afford, what things I could do, and who I could offer this money in order to help me stop feeling hurt flooded my mind, but I fought it. I fought it hard. I needed to pay my rent first. That focus helped me there, and back home.

 

Now I'm here. I'm typing this, and letting this all out is helping me calm down. Maybe someone will read this, and realize they're not alone. Maybe someone can read this and find out there's a way to feel good again, or at least fight the demons long enough to let them go.

 

I fight my demons every single day of my life. I fight my horrible thoughts, desires, and ideas of self harm. I log on to Second life, I pop my head in to Linden Gold Hunters. I say “Good morning” or “Good evening” and I go out of my way to help as many people as I can.

Every single person I help in any way makes me feel good again. Every time I talk to someone and help them to fish, or buy worms, or figure out their farms, or solve an issue makes me feel like I matter. Every time I talk to someone trolling the group and get them away from the bulk chat I feel like I'm doing everyone a favour.

I feel like I'm worth something again.

 

Helping all of you in turn helps me.

 

That's why I wanted to write this, and put this out there. I love and cherish all of you, because every day I help you, and talk to you, and assist you, every one of you is in turn helping me, and it wouldn't be the same life, or second life if I didn't have friends, fishers, and people like you to talk to.

 

Remember too... If you ever feel down. I know what it's like, I'd love to help, and if I can't help you myself, I want to lead you to help. You're not alone, and because of you, neither am I.

Thank you.

 

Rave Wytchwood


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