I am nervous. I feel so much pressure that the veins seem to give no more. My ears are ringing, like in a soundproof room where you can hear your heart beating. I lose track of time, awareness of my actions, the reason for my arguments. I remain silent watching a fixed point attentive to see how it changes after every second. It's boring yes, but it's my thing. Concentrated on my thoughts as if the worst danger were to be unleashed.
Memories come to my head all the time. Ghosts of the past that do not leave and live projected in my mind with holograms. It is as if I wanted to live in another moment, repeat it again, just like that time. And it doesn't stop happening. I feel guilty, maybe that is the cause of the pressure in my veins. The guilt that sticks to my back and causes neck pain.
I don't want to digress with this kind of shit, try to be positive, I tell myself. But it's a lie, I don't believe any of my words. And here we are, in this labyrinth of corridors and cables. I think that would be my hell. A sea of wires and I swimming, breathing polluted smoke if I take my head to take a breath of oxygen. Whole rooms full of wires that get nowhere and giant fluff.
I can spend a hidden life or start building bridges, stairs, rails. According to my prophecies I only have 6 years left to live and I still don't have children or serious jobs. The reason? I firmly believe that I have gone crazy. But I try not to be noticed when I am in public. This is like doping in cycling but the drug is prescribed by your doctor. I have to relearn to be in public, like a small child.
These are just things I think while fishing. Thanks for a place to write.